


Secrets of a Lover

by BlackSparrows



Series: Unrequited Love [3]
Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Blow Jobs, Bromance, Chaptered, Confusion, Crying Louis, Dirty Talk, Eskimo Kisses, Fluff, Forehead Kisses, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Heartache, Hickeys, Hotel Sex, Kisses, Love, Love Bites, Lust, M/M, Narry - Freeform, Neck Kissing, Niall is a little bit slutty, OFC - Freeform, One Night Stands, Pain, Rimming, Romance, Running Away, Sexual Frustration, Smut, Unrequited Love, Unresolved Sexual Tension, said I had a dirty mouth
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-09-25
Updated: 2016-03-14
Packaged: 2017-12-27 15:09:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/980368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackSparrows/pseuds/BlackSparrows
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Thursday. I've been feeling better recently. Well better in that twisted way, the one where just the sight of you makes me crazy."</p><p>Harry spends a week dealing with his love for Louis through the process of writing letters. Letters which he has no intention of letting anyone know about... well at least the was the plan.</p><p>(Or Unrequited Love series part 3, can be read as stand-alone)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Thursday

Thursday. I've been feeling better recently.

Well better in that twisted way, the one where just the sight of you makes me crazy. Crazy in a good, healthy and completely normal way. In that just the sight of you makes me want to burst and scream at you to Love me back and beg you for sign that maybe, just maybe you do. Scream at you to explain what the hell all the gazes and touches mean and why you treat me as if we're a magnet, you're the north pole and I'm the south pole. Ask you to just stop and explain all the signals you send me, like the _"I Love you's"_ which seem to have more meaning behind them compared to when you say it to the others.

Explain the cuddles that always end up in nose, cheeks, neck, chest and anywhere but mouth kisses. Although there was that one time you were kissing my neck and just stopped to stare at me for a minute or two, before kissing the corner of my mouth ever so gently as if you were afraid I would pull away, push you away and freak out. Just so you know, I wouldn't do that. Then you moved to the other side, closing your eyes as you kissed me, while I stared at you. I thought maybe, possibly you were going to kiss me properly and say all the things I wish you would.. But then _she_ came in and you pulled away so quickly I thought you were going to break your neck or something. We have never talked about that, what happened. What nearly happened.

Not that I mind much, your touch makes me feel safe and at home, and your gaze make me calm and careless. The _"I Love you's"_ give me an open way of saying _"I Love you too, Lou."_ Even if you do think I mean in a best friend way. Also the kisses, however confusing they might be, are the most pleasurable, lovely and coupley moments we have. I never want any of those things to go away.

But I guess they are, aren't they. There's be less _LouisandHarry HarryandLouis_  time than there used to be. I miss those moments.

Better in that warped corrupted way, the one where there's a need to gorge out my eyes and kill that gold digging tramp of a girlfriend you have. Not in a _'I hate you, you're the devil spawn and will rot in hell, you really don't deserve him'_ way. Just in _'you rub it in my face that you have him and I don't then I will kill you'_ way.

Because I don't know exactly how but she seems to know, about me and my feelings for you. Do you remember a few weeks ago your at home TV date? The one where you sat in awkward silence, watching that show you hate with a pure passion, for an entire two hours. That one. When you went to say goodbye to her at the door, she was literally scrambling to get out, trying to avoid your advances to kiss her goodbye. I was watching you at the door, not on purpose I was just coming to get a drink and I saw. It hurt me to see you breaking, worrying as to why she wouldn't let you kiss her. I was watching you fall to pieces, and then she saw me. I could almost she a red light go off in her eyes. She lunged at you and kissed you hard. Not because she wanted to out of Love. She did it out of greedy need to warn me off and flaunt you in front of me.

That was the moment I realised she knows. I still can't work out how though, I'm incredibly careful around her. I don't she why she felt the need to do that though. I'm not a threat to your relationship with her, you don't want me in that way. I know you don't. You're straight. You're my best friend. You're my straight best friend. I'm not saying all this again. It hurts.

Well I guess I lied. Everything still hurts and it's definitely not better. Actually it's worse.

I'm sorry I can't be better for you. I'm trying but it's like sticking a knife in my gut, twisting and twisting while dragging it ever so slowly up towards my heart.

It's like dying. Can you even die from heartache?


	2. Friday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry invites Niall over and yes! talking about it really does help

Friday. I remember when Friday was our movie night.

No matter what. No matter where we were. No matter what we were doing. No matter how tired we were or if we had to get up at some fucked up early time. Every Friday since we moved in together we watched a film before bed. However romantic, funny, terrifying, soppy or lame the film was, we would watch all of it start to finish. Always snuggled up on the sofa, bed, armchair or whatever.

Do you remember those nights?

Those nights before she showed up and destroyed our routine. How could you let that happen? You promised to never leave me. Do you remember about 2 years ago when for a few weeks I refused to snuggle with you. That was when I first discovered my feelings for you. I panicked and tried to keep my distance, hoping that by pushing you away I would push away the feelings I have for you.

 _"Harreh! Come cuddle me on the sofa and stop being a loner all the way over there!"_ You whined at me in a teasing way. But no, I couldn't. I couldn't give in. I couldn't let you in anymore than I had. I couldn't fall for you when you will never fall for me.

 _"But.. it reclines, Lou."_ I told you. Still trying, scramming for some kind of excuse to stay away. _"I want to lay down without you getting me all sweaty."_ You protested continuously, probably seeing straight through my lie. But what could I do. Nothing.

That was the first week. The second week you didn't argue, instead you said I should have the sofa as I'm taller and should have more space to spread out. I was grateful for you being so accepting, but it stung. You didn't question me, didn't protest. Just accepted the distance and I wanted that. But it still hurt how you could throw me away like that. Let me push you away without questions. I thought you had gave up, but then I saw it. All the way through the film I couldn't stop watching you, trying to be strong and relaxed, carefree. But I saw through your façade, I saw the tears and arms you had wrapped around yourself. I wanted to hold you and tell you how wrong I was to leave you out. But no. It was for the best. Or was it? I hurt you. I should never hurt you. No matter what.

The third week you told me to _"Stop being such a brat, Curly. I don't give a shit if you've suddenly become allergic to cooties. We're snuggling, I need my squishy pillow. Whether you like it or not"_ I laughed at you and just let you curl in close. You were so clingy for the next few weeks after that. Afraid I would push you away again. But I wouldn't. Never again. I saw how much it hurt you to be rejected and I tried, honestly I tried to let you down as gently as possible. I tried so hard to not hurt you that I just gave up in the end and we returned to routine.

That was 2 years ago. Before the rumours, before she demolished our routine. It's been a year and a half with her around. It's been 3 months since our last movie night.

I don't know what it was, maybe the realisation that 3 MONTHS fucking hell! But last night I got drunk and called Niall round. I don't know why but I wanted to hurt you, punish you for abandoning me, make you feel just an ounce of the betrayal I'm feeling. I planned on seducing him. Fucking him deep into the mattress. Screwing him at the same level you're screwing me. Making him moan and scream my name so loud that the neighbours could hear and complained. Marking him all over with massive dark hickeys that would last for weeks and be so sensitive that just a simple breeze of cold would remind him of their location.

I knew he would let me, he wants me. He's been lusting after a fuck from me for weeks. You should see his internet history, nothing but Narry smut fics and porn lookalikes. That's all he wants, one great, long, memorable, deep meaningless fuck. Not from you, not from Liam or Zayn. But from me and then back to being friends, not forgetting but not thinking about it as anything more than what it is. _Fuck!_ It's so amazing, hot and uplifting to be wanted, even if it's not from you it's still a close second.

We talked about it in great detail when he came round, that's how I know. I nearly said all the right things and went through with it, practically offered myself to him. When we were making out I told him every little detail of what I wanted. Him on his knees sucking me hard and hollowing out his cheeks, deep throating while I gripped and pulled at his hair so hard that it hurt. Him panting and begging for me while I have my tongue licking deep into his virgin hole, muscles clenching around me while I pulled all the way out and then push back in deeper than the last, playfully licking and blowing making him shiver and desperately hard. Me pounding into him so hard that the bed rocked and his screams and moans could be heard by the neighbours a street away.

But the thing is, I _nearly_ said all the right things. I screwed up, Louis. During my full blown description I let slip that _"maybe having an one-nightstand might make me think twice about being in Love with Louis._ " I laughed out of spite and how stupid that had sounded, but then he froze and stopped. He pulled away and he wasn't annoyed, he just looked like a light bulb had gone off in his head, like he finally understood something.

And then I broke down.

I told him everything I had worried and thought about since the first moment I discovered I Love you. I told him about the first letter and how I fell like I'm losing you. Niall, bless him. He listened to everything and didn't comment until after I was finished. Of course he did find it rather difficult to speak when he had my dick in his mouth, except for small hums and moans. Because we both still needed some release and he wanted to try to deep throat me. _"You're so big, Harry. I still want to try to go all the way down on you. Can I, please?"_ After I wanted to return the favour, especially as he let me come all over his pretty little face, but he refused so I just gave him a hand job while we make out and I licked the come off his face.

I think we just gradually fell asleep. I can't really remember how the night ended. But before he promised that we would _"talk more tomorrow"._

He understands, Lou. I don't know how but somehow he understands.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.. first attempt at some sort of smut.. thoughts?


	3. Saturday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Niall is a skilled professional with a dirty mouth.  
> Harry's probably never going to not Love Louis, but in time could probably fall for Niall.  
> Louis is always sexually frustrate and Loves giving Harry neck kisses and hickeys, and really wishes Harry would understand that without Harry he'd be lost and not know who he is.

Saturday. Compared to yesterday everything has got better. Well not everything, but it's definitely much less painful with someone around to talk to about you. Niall understands somewhat, not properly but he tries.

There is still this crushing fear and panic that I'll never move on. I'll always Love you, and only you. Is that what you've done, Lou? Have you ruined my chance of being complete? I know that maybe you're the only one who will make me feel completely and fully whole, the emptiness and loneliness from being without my second half - my soul mate - is the exact size of you, can probably only be filled by you. No one will ever compare, no one will come close.

But what if I can't even Love someone half as much as I Love you? I mean I don't even get crushes any more. I see someone and my brain registers that they are attractive and absolutely amazing and would make me extremely happy, filling some of the loneliness just being around them. But in my heart and mind I'm in no way actually attracted to them at all. I know that even I did like them and was with them I would never be truly happy, I would still feel empty. You really are the only one who can complete me.

I've told most of this to Niall and he's suggest I try to transfer at most or at least some of my feeling for you on to someone else. Someone who is capable of loving me back... Someone like him. _wow!_ That confession shocked me. Not only does being wanted feel spectacular but so does this. Even more so actually. Having someone here for me, wanting to help and being 110% ready to not only let me transfer my Love onto and fall for him, but to Love me back in return the same amount if not more and in the same way.

Niall, he's so sweet. But I can't do it, I can try but he's not you and I need you. I denied him, but we still make out and more every now and then. It's been a brilliant pain release and Niall is actually an amazing kisser. What's even more amazing is that things aren't weird, I thought that it would be like kissing a brother, wrong and awkward. But _wow!_ it's really not. If you hadn't completely screwed me over, I think I might actually be able to fall for our Irish lad. Maybe I will one day, in time. Maybe if I spend enough time like this, with him, then I will fall for him and move on. But definitely not right now.

Actually I am attracted to him, not in an emotional way (I do Love him, but in the same way I Love Liam and Zayn and Ed and Nick.. not in the same way I Love you) but undeniably in a physical way. Niall is extremely dirty and foul-mouthed, in both what he says and what he can do. He's some sort of skilled professional at both talking filthy and giving head and I genuinely don't know how that is. When I questioned him all he said was "Oh wouldn't you like to know, Styles." with the cheekiest, hottest grin on his face. I can not comprehend why we all thought Niall was so innocent, that boy can make you come with just one look. He might even be able to make you question your sexuality.

After he just carried on blowing me and before I came he pulled off, carrying on with his hand, and uttered in a low husky voice "Let's just say: you may be the biggest I've had, but you're not the first. I'm always grateful when I get my own hotel room when we're on tour." and _oh!_ I can just imagine him sneaking guys into the hotels, fucking them and completely wrecking them. That image combined with his hand tight around my cock and moving rapidly had me coming right there and then all over his face. The fucking shit did it on purpose as well, which one of many thing I've discovered about Niall is that not only does he look pretty with come all over his face but he Loves it. Practically gets off on having it all over him

It's all ultimately ridiculous because I wonder what you would and do like. We've discussed this on a minimal scale once and _fuck! wow!_ how did that even happen? You Love it when your ass is grabbed, hands spread out on both cheeks, squeezing and slipping into the crack slightly. You Love having your nipples played with, with both fingers and tongue. You Love having dirty things whispered into your ear with a hot low voice right against the shell, casually biting at the lobe. And you hate bot being able to see your partners face, see the Love in their eyes, be able to kiss them at anytime and see them at their most vulnerable state.

I also know that that girlfriend of yours does none of these things, she barely touches you in general. you've complained to all of us countless times about how she's never in the mood. How you're always sexually frustrated and your hand is really becoming tiresome. _Amazing!_ Why the hell do you put up with her again? God, Lou. I Love you but you are so stupid sometimes.

To do wonder though, if you were to Love me back and we entered into a relationship, what would happen. More emotionally then sexually, but I do still wonder and picture what our sex life - if it ever existed - would be like. I certainly would do ALL those things that you Love and be extra focus on making sure you are pleasured in all the right ways, more focused on you than anything else. _Fuck! This is ridiculous!_

Would you top or bottom? The majority of 'Larry shippers' seem to think top - and yes I do check the 'Larry Stylinson' tag on Tumblr, Twitter, YouTube and all that because I have to know. I have to know if in interviews, and all that stuff, your eyes and body is drawn to me, like I am to you. I have to check, to look for signs that maybe, just maybe, you do Love me back.

Would our sex be about raw passion? pure Love? a mixture of the two? or would it vary between the three? Maybe a quick bang in the toilet with a promise to be picked up later, and then when later comes there are rose petals, candles and a slow pace, pouring Love into one another. _Yeah!_ That would be perfect to have both rather than just one or the other. But then again I guess that it never would be just pure raw heated passion. Because it's you, and I always throw 200% Love into everything about you.

My confusion is: at times you are just so needy and on edge, we all get like that occasionally. Sometimes you seem so cuddly and drowsy, constantly needing to tell everyone how much they mean to you and how you would probably insane without them. And then there are those rare occasions when it's just the two of us and we're watching a film, or do whatever, and you snuggle close to me telling me "I Love you so much Curly, I would be lost without you. You made me what I am today... the others did to, but it's mainly you." and laugh and tell you "yeah, I know Lou. Without me you would be stuck in a revolving door somewhere." and you would kiss my neck and tell me "No. You don't understand. You never understand." moving your mouth kissing me all over my neck and jaw "I really wish you'd understand. You've made me so much more than what I was. You've made me so much better as a person, you've made me realise who I am and I wish you'd understand." I would keep silent as you carried on kissing me, giving me hickeys without a care as to who sees, getting more and more into it by pushing up on your knees and embedding you head into my neck. I would keep silent otherwise I might just say everything that I've always wanted to say, and if I didn't then my voice would still betray me anyway.

It's been months since that's happened anyway... I'm not doing this. I'm not going back to being depressed because you have barely spoken two words to me these past months, because you ditched me for _her_ , because you don't Love me, because you no longer need me, cuddle me, look at me etc. etc. etc.

I'm pretty much always going to Love and need you and nothing can change that, not fully anyway, but I'm not going to be depressed and keep beating myself up over this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is the smut alright or is it outright terrible?


	4. Sunday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis comes home (although he's not been there for a few weeks/months so is it really still his home?) and is acting off. Something is definitely wrong, but Harry respects Louis enough to not call him out on it.
> 
> Bad idea because now everything's gone wrong and Louis' crying. But why is he crying?

Sunday. _Oh Fuck!_

I'm panicking. Okay, genuinely, seriously panicking. I just truly can't even comprehend everything that's just happened. _It's so fucked up!_ You. You came over today. Which _wow!_ you haven't been round in weeks so I was completely shocked. That must say something about our current friendship - _lack of friendship_ \- considering you live here, _not_ at hers.

I hadn't cleaned up all the take away boxes and cans from yesterday so the flat was a mess. (Admittedly I was going to clean up but then I got distracted by you, the photo of you surrounded by your sisters, the one on the wall in the sitting room. I must have spend a good 10 (maybe more) minutes staring at it, wondering whether how the distance you have with them makes them feel for months at a time. I'm struggling with just a few weeks so it must be absolute torture for them).

Then you saw the dirt pile and just started to help clean up, which _wow!_ that's never happened before. That's not you. I serve you and clean up after you, because you're _'older and you should really respect you elders, young Harold. Besides cleaning up is peasants work.'_ not the other way around. But I ignored it, the nagging feeling in my gut and heart that something was wrong, and let you do it.

Everything was fine, uncomfortable and awkward but fine. That was until when you were empty the bin and everything just fell apart and went to shit. _Fuck!_ I mean you just broke down, fell to your knees and started crying painfully as if your life depended on it. I wished I hadn't ignored the signs that something was false and wrong, otherwise maybe you would still be here with me and I wouldn't be scared for my life over such a careless mistake.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

I wake up around 10:30am, which in truth is a new experience considering I normally have had breakfast and finished getting ready for the day by 9am. But after the last few day I can't really bring myself to care. I'm remarkably drained and fatigued from all the crying, orgasms, crying, talking and crying.

When I was younger I thought I'd marry a nice, pretty girl, have a few kids and just live happily until the day I died. I reached my teens and question whether I'd marry a guy or girl, neither bothered me in any way, as long as we were in Love then it didn't matter. I thought that either way being in Love will be the most blissful and fulfilling part of my life.

 _Ha!_ Being in Love is nothing but a constant rain cloud; the rain is the tears, the thunder is the loud reminder and torture that I'm in this alone and the lightning is the constant pain of being empty, the shocking sensation that the one I Love will _never_ Love me back.

After I had my breakfast I cuddled closely to the human heater, - also known as Niall - on the bed, talking while he ate. It was nice, peaceful and I began to think about how much simpler my - _our_ life's would be if I was to Love Niall instead, we do kind of just work together. Not completely 100% but probably about 80% - maybe even more. I wondered if I could actually move on from Louis and fall for Niall like he had suggested, but then no because there's still Louis and no one can ever compare to him. He's far too perfect.

*-*-*-*(Niall has gone out and Louis has just broke down)*-*-*-*

"Louis?" I ask, whispering lightly. "Oh Lou, what's wrong?" I fall to my knees beside him and rest my left hand on his cheek, gently pulling him towards me so we're facing each other. I feel like crap for ignore all the signs that something was wrong, Louis rarely cleans up after himself let alone other people. He's never quiet, always has something to say, something funny, smart or just something: a story or update on current events. But today, the last half hour, he's just been quiet, keeping to himself. Silent and now he's broken, crying on his knees on the kitchen floor and I can guess exactly who's made him like this but saying anything will just make things two-hundred-percent worse.

Unsurprisingly, he doesn't say anything, doesn't reply and tell me why he's so defeated and damaged. Instead he turns towards me and falls into my embrace, hugging me closely with frail arms falling around my waist and head buried into my chest. _I've missed this_ I selfishly think to myself, conscious that I nearly said it out loud _I've missed your hugs, it's been so long_. I wrap my arms around Louis' shoulders, holding him tightly and begin to play with his hair, constantly whispering _'shhh shh, I got you, Love. Don't worry, I'm here'_ over and over again into his right ear. _He needs this_. I think to myself again. _We both need this._

No one has the right to make Louis ( _my Louis)_ cry, especially not her. Especially not Eleanor _fame-hungry-_ _gold-digger_ Calder. I have never liked her and I have tried to at least tolerate her for Louis, but I just can't especially now she's hurt him. Of course Louis hasn't said it was her, but I feel like jumping to conclusions on this isn't so bad, and yeah! it is defiantly her fault.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

"Lou?" I ask timidly from behind my bedroom door. An hour ago you got up and disappeared, something about needing to clear your head. That I understand, but what I don't understand is why you went to my bedroom and why not your own. "Are you okay, Lou? Can I come in now?" I respect your decision to walk away earlier, but now I just can't anymore.

I have hated the past hour, I spent it impatiently waiting for you to finally come to me and talk, eyes fixed on the clock counting the minutes. Earlier you weren't in the right mind frame to talk and needed the privacy, but now I'm stood waiting outside my door for you. It seems that these days I always waiting for you.

"Yeah.." I hear you hiccup, barely audible and slightly hopeless, but trying to stay strong. "Come in, Curly." It's not the right time to get excited over a nickname, even if I haven't heard it in months. I enter the room with caution, I don't want to push you but I need to know what's happened and why you're so badly hurt.

"What's wrong? What happened, Lou?" I ask quietly as I hand you your tea and fall back onto the bed to sit next to you. I lean towards you slightly, just enough that are arms brush. I read somewhere that sometimes human contact can help with pain, and that's what you need right now.. That's what I need.

"She's - " You choke out, clearly fighting tears. "She's cheating on me." You laugh bitterly, a horrible a broken sound, I've never heard you like this before. Oh Lou. Oh baby! I'll fucking skin the bitch for this. Who in their right mind would - wait.. it's _her._ She's insane, of course _she_ would.

"Should've seen it coming really. She's always distant, you know? Like, I've never really had her full attention.. but I just thought that it was school or her family distracting her and that was okay." A sob broke out as you rushed through the words.

"Oh Lou!" I coo, this time out loud. Should I tell you? I can't. I can't say _'oh Lou! You should of asked me, she's a controlling, fame hungry, gold digger and doesn't deserve an ounce of your attention let alone love.'_ I can't say that, can I?

"She said she's sorry and wants to make things work." Of course she does, of course she would say that, she's using you! You leave her and she melts, loses her money, clothes, fame and _hell!_ she can't go back to school, she's way to far behind. "Should I forgive her, Haz? Should I take her back? I love her, but I guess I can't trust her can I?" No! No, no and Hell NO!

"I don't know, Lou. It's your decision.. but I guess if it were me" _I would of given her a second look in the first place._ "I wouldn't ever be able to take her back. There would be no trust, and without trust there is no love." I couldn't tell you all of what I think like I really want to. It's scratching at my insides but I can't tell you. It's way too much and I can't put all that on you right now.

"Yeah." You sigh. "Okay." You drink your tea and rest your head on my shoulder, not another word is said but I can tell you're thinking, considering your options, and it's killing me how obvious the answer is. Why isn't it obvious to you?

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

The rest of the day spend sleeping until I wake you for dinner. Niall had gone home after I promised I was okay, he was being extremely protective about you being here. But it's your home too and I know I would breakdown if you weren't here anyway.

We ate in a comfortable silence, but I managed to make you laugh twice. First when I nearly fell off my chair and second when I split pasta source all down my self, with a _'oh very smooth young Harold'_ from you, which made me feel as if the past few month hadn't happened; we're back to the normal routine. It was nice seeing you not only smile again, but hearing your laugh as well. I've missed you. I've missed _this_. I've missed _us_.

Then when you suddenly decided to leave and sleep else where. Despite me _begging_ you to stay and sleep in your own bed - slightly _begging_ you to stay here with - you still collected your stuff and made to leave.

Before you left you kissed me on the cheek, but you looked distracted and confused. I didn't really understand, just assumed you were still thinking and I was right.. kind of. You were thinking, but not about her. You were thinking about something else, something you had found in my room earlier and it's that exact thing you found that is making me panic and fear exactly what you are thinking.


	5. Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reflecting on what could and will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a long time coming (sorry), please give feedback. I think my writing style has changed and I haven't check through so there might be mistakes (which I will correct if pointed out).

Monday. I didn't sleep last night.

It has been ten hours. TEN HOURS since you left with _that_ gut retching look upon your face. Granted that the first hour was me wondering around thinking up a variety of different theories as to why you left in such a rush. Then the next three hours consisted of me panicking once I realised that you had read the letters and taken a couple with you.

Once I realised what had happened I freaked out completely; trying to imagine what you were thinking and feeling - what you _are_ thinking and feeling. I tried calling and texting you but it just rang out and you didn't reply. I'm wasn't surprised, but I was hurt. You've never ignored me before, even when we're fighting.

After trying to reach you I called the others; Liam and Zayn we're confused as to why you would be ignoring everyone, but Niall of course understood. Not that it mattered if they understood or not because none of us could think of where you would go. You hadn't gone to hers, Niall called to check and after everything that had happened between you two before... Well you wouldn't use her as a safe place.

During the night I couldn't sleep, and didn't want to be in the flat, it seemed far too large and cold without you. I left and went to Liam's, let myself in and lay on the couch torturing myself thinking what you would say.

We've talked about this before: what could and would happen if one of us realised they were attracted to the other. We talked about it when management pointed out 'Larry Stylinson' and how popular it was becoming.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

"Well!" You proclaim, throwing your coat on the back of the sofa and kicking off your shoes so that they are laying in the middle of the floor. "That was one _VERY_ interesting meeting!" You make no attempt towards moving your shoes and putting them together against the side. But I expect this from you, it happens everyday after all.

"Interesting is one word for it. Not the one I would chose though." I pick up your shoes and place them neatly next to mine. I was more focused on this routine than the meeting. I don't want to think about the meeting, it brings up too many supressed feelings and dealing with them is something painful which I am not prepared to do right now.

"Well, what word would you chose?" You begin to pace around the living room, waving your arms excessively. Of course you're finding this funny, to you it's farfetched; and yet it's really happening. The fans are noticing the ways in which we interact and developing a multitude of scenarios in which we are more than we say. "Hmm... Bizarre? Funny? Insightful?" Despite how much this could mean to me one day I can't help but laugh with you at the way this subject has been bought to us. Or maybe I'm just laughing because you are and you have that effect on me: you smile I smile, you laugh I laugh, you cry I cry.

"Something like that." I say looking towards the kitchen. I don't want to make you worry and definitely don't want to potentially put up a wall between us, but I do want to talk about this situation. Or rather this potential situation: what would happen if one of us was crushing on the other. You stare at me frowning, you're confused as to why I won't meet your eye and am not laughing, I'm being serious. "Maybe we should umm talk about what would happen umm if it were true umm but one sided or something." I'm so nervous, what if you think that I love you? What if you think we're too close for friends want to pull back and consider having a break from each other?

"Something you want to confess?" You ask, I can't tell what's going on with you right now. It appears as though you're being serious but your eyes are wide and close to tears, you look half mad. "Maybe you want to -" You couldn't finish before bursting out laughing. "Sorry." More laughing. "Sorry I know you're being serious but -" More laughing before you calm down a bit. "Okay. I'll tell you what, if you or me ever _do_ go down that route then I swear I won't care. Okay." You signal me to come next to you, but I stay. I'm not sure I can continue to supress my feeling for you anymore and I don't trust where this could go.

"I think it would change us. No matter what we wish or say." I say cautiously. Then walk towards you but stop and fall back onto the couch. "We won't be the same as we were and no amount of willpower can change that." You stare at me, I won't look you in the eye right now, it's far too dangerous.

"I know that. But I'm not homophobic and would be flattered" You fall onto the couch next to me and place your head upon my shoulder. "that _you_ of all people - charming curly haired boy - would rethink your sexuality because of _me_." You laugh slightly and I turn to look at you. Maybe there is a chance that we could one day be more than what we currently are? "And I hope that you too would feel the same if it was the other way around... me for you."

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

That conversation is what bought back everything for me. It was the one singular thing that caused the flood gates to break and all those feeling for you that I had been supressing came rushing back. Once everything had been said I couldn't go back to how I was before: on edge between remaining as your lack-of-boundaries best friend and knowing that if you were to say anything about loving me then I would crash and fall deeply for you.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Then morning the last two hours had been long and pressing. Once Liam woke and realised that I stayed the night awake on his couch, he reasoned that I hadn't been overacting. You really had ran off and gone missing.

We attempted calling you again but it still rang out. You didn't go back to the flat and haven't gone to Niall or Zayn's, or hers. You've dropped of radar and disappeared.

This is not what you had said would happen, in fact this is the complete opposite!

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Well now it's been ten hours and Liam has called you home, the one back in Doncaster with your mum and sisters. I had hoped that you wouldn't of ran that far but you did. I know you can be dramatic but this is extremely painful and ridiculous.

It was your mum that answered the phone, she said you arrived late last night without saying anything other than you needed time to think and be alone. You've been in your old room ever since, she hasn't tried to ask what's happened, and Liam doesn't know so he couldn't tell her.

I'm not going to torture myself wondering why you need time to think. It's far too tiresome.

Once Liam got off the phone he immediately asked what exactly had happened. I didn't want to say, even though this is serious and by far the most shocking reaction to a fight any of us have had. I didn't want to correct him, but it's not a fight. I don't even know what this is.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

Niall and Zayn have come over, both equally worried. Liam asked if either of then knew what had happened and despite me begging Niall told them.

I guess I am thankful that they are understanding and claim to 'have known for years'. But I feel betrayed, as though someone has picked at my brain and stolen all my most personal thoughts.

They warned me that I should stay here and not try to chase after you. But I'm not sure if I can do that. Even if you and everyone want me to give you time to think and calm down, I really can't just wait around for you to be ready. I've been waiting for nearly five years.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The entire time writing this all I did was listen to Human by Christina Perri. See these lyrics are so relatable to this fic:
> 
> I can hold my breath / I can bite my tongue / I can stay awake for days / If that's what you want / Be your number one  
> I can fake a smile / I can force a laugh / I can dance and play the part / If that's what you ask / Give you all I am  
> I can do it / I can do it / I can do it  
> But I'm only human / And I bleed when I fall down / I'm only human / And I crash and I break down / Your words in my head, knives in my heart / You build me up and then I fall apart / 'Cause I'm only human  
> I can turn it on / Be a good machine / I can hold the weight of worlds / If that's what you need / Be your everything  
> I can do it / I can do it / I'll get through it  
> I can take so much / 'Til I've had enough


	6. Tuesday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one you love has ran away because of you (or rather from you), chasing after them will lead in heartbreak. But then again maybe not. There will be obstacles and problems but maybe it all works out in the end.

Tuesday. Despite everyone (even you) telling me to give you time and space to think, I can't do that.

It's strange knowing that this journey is leading to a moment (and conversation) which I was set never letting happen. I guess I always assumed that you would find someone perfect for you, fall for her, and that be it. I never imagined that there would be an in between point. A point where my love for you would be revealed, I thought that I would take that secret to the grave.

But I guess none of that matters now, and we can't avoid this. I'm coming after you and we're going to have to talk. Even if it means loosing everything, because you don't get to runaway. Not from me, not when you promised you wouldn't.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

It was evening by the time I got to yours, and your mum seemed reluctant to let me in. I know you haven't told her, but seeing you show up after panicked calls from all the boys was enough for her to know something had gone wrong between us. I would of left and stayed in a hotel too, if you hadn't told her it was fine.

I was relieved you allowed me to stay and didn't send me away. Even though you avoided me as much as you could for the rest of the evening. It hurt, but I understood why you did that.

Your sisters were glad I stayed too. I love them, Louis. Love how excited they get and easy they are to make laugh. They remind me of you when they laugh or smile, they light up, not as blinding as you do but it's a close second. I love them, Louis. I love them because they're all mini-versions of you.

I understood your distance. At least I thought I did, because when we were on our own you changed.

*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*_*

It's the first time we've been alone today, with your family around the tension isn't as thick or noticeable. But right now I can barely breathe, scared I've lost you.

"I'll sleep on the floor." I break the silence and awkwardly move to clear a space big enough. Stood here with just the two of us in your childhood room is tense and strange. I've been in this room many times and never once felt like I didn't belong in some way. I don't remember a time where I wasn't able to look at you directly, we've always been.. comfortable. Even when we were put together as One Direction, even before that when first met and I managed to pee on you.

"You don't have to." You sound hurt. "We always share my bed." I look up at you from the floor. It's true, and yet I can't bring myself to believe it to be so. With everything that's happened the last couple of days suggesting we share a bed seems as likely as Zayn leaving us for a solo career. You sit on the bed, back against the pillows.

"Louis, be straight with me." I stared to say and you interrupt me.

"Interesting word for you." It hurts and I frown at you.

"Do you - how much - the letters -" I stutter. But you seem to understand.

"Why didn't you tell me, Harry?" You ask and seem hurt. This is why I never told you, I was scared that you'd hate me. "Why didn't you trust me?" I stare at you dumbfound.

"I do trust you, Louis. More than anyone else." It's difficult, fighting the urge - need - to move and comfort you. We're both hurt and frustrated.

"Not enough to tell me you're gay." That's what this is about? I'm so confused, massaging my eyes with my thumb and forefinger. "For the record: I don't care. I'm just upset you didn't trust me enough to tell me, and I had to find out through these." You continue, grabbing a pile of paper and gesturing with them. The missing pages. My letters to you. You stop and look down at them, I wonder if your reading over my words, or just pretending to have something to do. Much like I'm doing, intertwining my hands, stopping myself from reaching out and comforting you.

"You weren't meant to read them." I attempt, defeated.

"They're addressed to ME!" You shout, staring at me in disbelief. The pausing and staring at the closed door, I hope we haven't awoken anyone. "If I wasn't meant to read them then why are the addressed to me? Were you going to tell me?" You whisper, careful now not to awake your family.

"I was going to tell you I'm bisexual, but there was never a good time." With our schedules we barely have time to sleep some days, free time to just talk is rare. "But Louis, does that even matter right now? How - how much did your read?" I'm scared of the answer. But I need to know how much you know.

"Enough to know you're bisexual." You pause, and I take a deep breath. "and you're in love with me."

_Shit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (Don't kill me for the Zayn leaving joke. Just comparing likeliness and they're both likely).


End file.
